1303##

A, I hope you will never know this ever exists. But I hope people can join me in savoring these (meaningless, to them most likely) moments, so that it is not just me remembering them, so that they do not turn to dust.

Now, I never explained my nickname 1303##. What would you think of it? I bet you'll be at a total loss. Boys are like that, I guess.

It represents the day we spoke for the first time. ## because I couldn't pin down the exact date, not now, not when we were still together. March 2013. Not the first time I met you and I never asked when it was that you first caught sight of me. Not love at first sight, I'm sure.

But it was for me!

Your existence in my life skewed my view on love and relationship to this day. I hope you know that.

How simple it all seemed! The infatuated girl caught the boy's attention for none other than her INFATUATION. So he made a move and soon the girl let down her guard and fell into the arms she had longed for. I should say, both of us made little efforts to form a formal relationship.

It'll take me forever to shake off the obstinate idea that two people should just get together with a confession from both sides who do not know each other personally just because they feel the mutual attraction. Basically, A demonstrated it really well with his few opening remarks. Straight to the point. Catching you off guard.

Honestly, I don't think it is childish and premature anymore. It's romantic. It's probably the most romantic budding of a relationship I have in my WHOLE life- the awkwardness, the expectancy, and the racy feels unique to teenagers are not replicable.

I'm no expert at relationships, and I have few first- or second-hand experiences. But attraction works like magic, that is for sure.

I'm sorry, A. I'm sorry, A's current-girlfriend. I have to force the despise of myself for writing this QUASI-FICTION out of my mind before I can soak myself fully in the emotion. That's what I'm doing now. (While Troye, great pop music artist Troye has the privilege and the considerateness to ask for permission to render heartbreaks into his songs, I lack both.)

Actually half an hour ago, I opened my laptop out of desperation in this darkness. I was crying my eyes out silently, curled in my quilts and holding fast to this plush toy as if holding on to you or nothing. I thought I would write with tears streaking down my face, lovingly and sickeningly of how I much missed you.

I just managed to calm myself down, another time. Good for me!

I have no qualms to say that I still dream of you, on at least a monthly basis. If the claim that you dream of someone who you are forgetting or who is forgetting you has any truth in it., either you or I am taking too long. Here's another thing I can and cannot explain. I can simply attribute your persistent "virtual" presence in my life to the fact I have never wanted to forget you. But I cannot explain the forms these dreams take.

I hate to say it. But when I'm most frustrated at everything and just want to opt out, it's always you who materialize the moment I close my eyes. You'd save me from this hell. Wherever I end up, you will have my back. And I won't feel jealous towards others who are more successful because I have you as the shelter.

You might as well call me crazy. It sounds crazier when my sane brain allows me to compose these sentences. But who else is there for me? I can only turn to YOU. It's like I now own the ghost of you like a split from the real you but not you.

When I told my best friend how often I dream of you and think of you, "Sounds really sad" was her response. It's better to be sad than bitter, isn't it? Love ya!

If you ever remember me, please remember the best of me.